In Memoriam.

Three years ago today at 8:07 p.m. my dad passed away with my brother and I by his side.  We each held one of his hands.   It was the way he would have wanted it to be because his worst fear was dying alone.  He had only just turned 49 that January.  My brother was 18.  I was 22.

After he passed away I stayed with him until they came to take him away, even though my brother was freaked out.  I lay next to him and tried to memorize his hands, his face.  I couldn’t move.  I just laid there listening to Coldplay’s “Fix You” on repeat. I knew it was the last time I would ever see him.  I woudn’t have wanted it any other way, though.  I always say to myself that he was there when we came into this world and we were there when he left it, which is really very fitting, if you think about it.

It’s very difficult to believe that it’s been three years already.  I can still hear his voice saying his trademark “Un-be-LIEVE-able.  I can still hear him laugh or see him smile if I close my eyes.  He had a wonderful smile- his whole face would light up and his eyes would literally twinkle and he was often the one telling the jokes and funny stories.  He got such a kick out of making us laugh.  Sometimes the difficulty is that I feel panic.  I feel like I didn’t learn enough about him.  I was little when he and my mom divorced and it was only when I was in my late teens that we reunited.  I panic that it’s too late to learn all the things that I should have known.

I feel like I didn’t have enough time with him, when I supposed I should be grateful for what we did have and that we time we spent together as I matured and grew up was truly wonderful.  I know his favorite color was blue.  I know he was the life of the party- unless you put him in front of a video camera and then he was shy and bashful.  But I couldn’t remember what his favorite ice cream flavor was.  I know he loved New Hampshire and the mountains, but I couldn’t remember if he liked the ocean and boats. I find myself craving information.  I want to know what he was like when he was my age.  I want to know his likes, his dislikes.

I decided to ask my mom, unsure of what her reaction would be.  “Ask me anything,” she said. “You have a right to know whatever you want.”  His favorite ice cream was coffee.  He loved boats, but only fast ones.  “He loved anything fast,” she said (and I chose to ignore the obvious joke there).  He wrapped his friend’s corvette around a telephone pole when he was in high school and that’s why he had his spleen removed.  He was born and raised in Long Island, NY, but he rooted for the Red Sox, Bruins, and Patriots.

You can see the eulogy I gave for my dad here in my old blog.  You can read what happened here.

Every year for the anniversary of his passing I take the day and remember him, honor his memory by doing things that I know he would approve of and think were fun.  So, today I went to the Institute of Contemporary Art, then for his favorite foods (minus the bacon cheeseburger) and now I’m home watching Star Trek on the PC laptop he bought me and blogging on my mac.  When I was little we used to watch “Star Trek: The Next Generation” together- an odd tradition, I know.  And no, I am not a trekkie.  However, I can’t pass that show on TV now without thinking of my dad.

Tomorrow I shall return to my regular blogging.  I took a trip to Whole Foods that yielded some serious goods and I have lots to share.  But tonight.  I am going to eat my coffee frozen yogurt and remember.

Please, tell those you love that you love them.

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About annenglish

I often think my the right side of my brain dominates- I live to create things. Color is one of the things that brings me great joy and in everything that I do, it is a theme that takes on great aesthetic importance. I am a jewelry designer, metal artist and writer (wanna-be.) During the day I work in an office, and while I like it, I spend my days dreaming about the next thing I want to make. As a result, I am the post-it queen- design ideas are always strewn about my desk, waiting for me to gather them up and take them home at the end of the day. Oh, yeah. I'm also a tremendous slob, which is unfortunate because I love to cook and washing dirty dishes is my least favorite chore to tackle. I'm a healthy food enthusiast and amateur chef. Cooking is a tremendous creative outlet for me- experimentation is my hallmark...whether it's surprising color combinations or flavor combinations.
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11 Responses to In Memoriam.

  1. Being a daddys girl, I can’t imagine what it was like. Thinking of you…

  2. MizFit says:

    no words.
    This is so beautifully written.

    Carla

  3. Kat says:

    I’m glad you had such a good day of rememberance – he would’ve been very happy to see you doing all those things! And you’re right – he’d be so proud of where you are, what you’re doing, and how far you’ve come. Love ya!

  4. abbynormally says:

    I can’t imagine your pain, but I am so sorry for your loss. Prays for you and your family ❤

  5. “Sometimes the difficulty is that I feel panic. I feel like I didn’t learn enough about him.” Feel the exact same way. Like we should have had more long conversations so I could have learned more about him and his life growing up.

  6. Rita says:

    (((hugs)))

    time goes too fast sometimes. Well said, and your experience helped me deal with the loss of my sister as you know. While time goes fast, I find it best to take it one day at a time. Thanks for reminding me of that.

    • annenglish says:

      (((hugs))) Nice to see you here! I am so glad that I was able to help you cope. We all need support when it comes to stuff like this. And you’re right- sometimes all you can do is take it a step at a time.

  7. Meghan says:

    This is a beautiful and touching post.

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