Wow. I just went back and read what I wrote in this post. It was like a dam had burst once I got going. If you make it all the way through- thank you for reading.
This post is making my heart pound. You know the feeling- you can feel each beat in your ears. I am about to confess something. Sorry, it’s nothing as exciting as me having two heads and living in a swamp with a pet dinosaur(Um, I don’t. I grew up in the ‘burbs and now I live in the city). Anyway, I digress. I’ve been doing a lot of reading out there in foodie land. Mara at Imadedinner, Oh She Glows, No No 2 Yo Yo , Roni’s Weigh, Heather Eats Almond Butter, and so many others have really inspired me to share my struggles in the hope that not only will someone out there identify with me and know that they are not alone on my side of the journey, but also in the hopes that it will help me to face my issues.
You see, I am ashamed of my body. I absolutely loathe it. Occasionally, I avoid going out because I am so sure I look awful and cannot possibly avoid people talking about me and how fat I am. I’ve found myself wondering if my boyfriend is secretly ashamed of me(he’s wonderful and supportive and in no way has he done anything to justify me feeling that way- I just can’t help it), I feel trapped in my body and betrayed because it won’t conform to how I want it to look and DARNIT- I want my body to be different! Don’t get me wrong- I like ME. I like who I am as a person and I don’t want to change that. On the outside I come off as well-adjusted and happy, and to some degree I am. I am a good and compassionate person, a loyal friend, a hard worker and I have a great capacity to love- just not myself. I know that no matter what happens to my outside, inside I am fundamentally the same person. But you see, just because the way I feel about my body is mostly secret, doesn’t make it any less painful.
I don’t think I’m asking for too much. What I would like to be able to do is look at myself in the mirror without cringing inside, try on clothes without that inner dialogue of disgust, stop uttering things to myself along the lines of “you’re too fat to live,” and learn not to compare myself to other women. These are only some examples…I could probably have an entire page dedicated to the negative things that go through my mind about my body every day, week, month, year that goes by (Nobody panic! I’m not THAT big of a glutton for punishment!) These are habits that will not die easily. They are ingrained in me and have been a part of me since I was a teenager. Over the years I have engaged in damaging body behavior- eating habits, negative self-talk and a multitude of other sins that I would never wish on another woman. It’s scary how firmly entrenched I am in this battle and the toll it has taken.
No matter how many times I am told I am pretty, sexy, etc. I don’t believe it because I have never learned how to love myself. When I hear compliments about my looks, it’s only flattering for the two seconds it takes me to convince myself it’s just a meaningless attempt to be nice. Now, I know this change has to come from me and no one else can do it for me. I know that I am the only one with the power to change it. I want so badly to make the peace with my body that others have made. I NEED to do that.
I also want so badly to feel physically better. I’m tired(no pun intended)of having no energy- of feeling like my body is just itching to lie down and rest. I watched my dad die at 49 years old and I, of all people, understand how fleeting life is- and how important it is that you treat your body with the utmost respect and love because it is a truly AWESOME thing. Anyone who’s taken even an introductory anatomy class knows this- our bodies are, unto themselves, wonders of the world.
So, I will dedicate myself to this blog. I will work on getting healthy again. I will keep reading the awe-inspiring posts of the members of the foodie community. And I will give thanks that I have this body and somehow, I will learn to like it. Baby steps, right?