This was not an easy post to write.

Wow.  I just went back and read what I wrote in this post.  It was like a dam had burst once I got going.  If you make it all the way through- thank you for reading.

 

This post is making my heart pound.  You know the feeling- you can feel each beat in your ears.  I am about to confess something.  Sorry, it’s nothing as exciting as me having two heads and living in a swamp with a pet dinosaur(Um, I don’t. I grew up in the ‘burbs and now I live in the city).  Anyway, I digress.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading out there in foodie land.  Mara at Imadedinner, Oh She Glows,  No No 2 Yo Yo , Roni’s Weigh, Heather Eats Almond Butter,  and so many others have really inspired me to share my struggles in the hope that not only will someone out there identify with me and know that they are not alone on my side of the journey, but also in the hopes that it will help me to face my issues. 

You see, I am ashamed of my body.  I absolutely loathe it.  Occasionally, I avoid going out because I am so sure I look awful and cannot possibly avoid people talking about me and how fat I am. I’ve found myself wondering if my boyfriend is secretly ashamed of me(he’s wonderful and supportive and in no way has he done anything to justify me feeling that way- I just can’t help it), I feel trapped in my body and betrayed because it won’t conform to how I want it to look and DARNIT- I want my body to be different!  Don’t get me wrong- I like ME.  I like who I am as a person and I don’t want to change that.  On the outside I come off as well-adjusted and happy, and to some degree I am.  I am a good and compassionate person, a loyal friend, a hard worker and I have a great capacity to love- just not myself.  I know that no matter what happens to my outside, inside I am fundamentally the same person.  But you see, just because the way I feel about my body is mostly secret, doesn’t make it any less painful.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much.  What I would like to be able to do is look at myself in the mirror without cringing inside, try on clothes without that inner dialogue of disgust, stop uttering things to myself along the lines of “you’re too fat to live,” and learn not to compare myself to other women.  These are only some examples…I could probably have an entire page dedicated to the negative things that go through my mind about my body every day, week, month, year that goes by (Nobody panic! I’m not THAT big of a glutton for punishment!) These are habits that will not die easily.  They are ingrained in me and have been a part of me since I was a teenager.  Over the years I have engaged in damaging body behavior- eating habits, negative self-talk and a multitude of other sins that I would never wish on another woman.  It’s scary how firmly entrenched I am in this battle and the toll it has taken. 

No matter how many times I am told I am pretty, sexy, etc. I don’t believe it because I have never learned how to love myself.  When I hear compliments about my looks, it’s only flattering for the two seconds it takes me to convince myself it’s just a meaningless attempt to be nice.  Now, I know this change has to come from me and no one else can do it for me.  I know that I am the only one with the power to change it.  I want so badly to make the peace with my body that others have made.  I NEED to do that.

I also want so badly to feel physically better.  I’m tired(no pun intended)of having no energy-  of feeling like my body is just itching to lie down and rest.  I watched my dad die at 49 years old and I, of all people, understand how fleeting life is- and how important it is that you treat your body with the utmost respect and love because it is a truly AWESOME thing.  Anyone who’s taken even an introductory anatomy class knows this- our bodies are, unto themselves, wonders of the world.

So, I will dedicate myself to this blog.  I will work on getting healthy again.  I will keep reading the awe-inspiring posts of the members of the foodie community.  And I will give thanks that I have this body and somehow, I will learn to like it.  Baby steps, right?

About annenglish

I often think my the right side of my brain dominates- I live to create things. Color is one of the things that brings me great joy and in everything that I do, it is a theme that takes on great aesthetic importance. I am a jewelry designer, metal artist and writer (wanna-be.) During the day I work in an office, and while I like it, I spend my days dreaming about the next thing I want to make. As a result, I am the post-it queen- design ideas are always strewn about my desk, waiting for me to gather them up and take them home at the end of the day. Oh, yeah. I'm also a tremendous slob, which is unfortunate because I love to cook and washing dirty dishes is my least favorite chore to tackle. I'm a healthy food enthusiast and amateur chef. Cooking is a tremendous creative outlet for me- experimentation is my hallmark...whether it's surprising color combinations or flavor combinations.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to This was not an easy post to write.

  1. You’re exactly right. Baby steps. Writing this post and admiting your inner thoughts is one of them. I am so excited for you. Do you want to know why? I’m excited because you have just taken the first step. You WILL get past this I know it. I have been there and thought those things. Keeping it in only makes it worse. I am so proud of you. You are stronger than you know. It takes someone strong to write what you wrote! I can’t wait for you to start to believe it!! love natalie
    ps…i’m always here for anything!!! nono2yoyo@gmail.com

  2. Yes, yes, baby steps. You can do this. We all struggle with loving ourselves and trusting our bodies, but like you said, the human body is awesome. If we feed it properly and treat it with love and respect, it is capable of amazing things.

    Thank you so much for your kind words and for YOUR inspiring post. :)

  3. You already know I think this, but you are one of the strongest and most amazing women I know. You can do anything you put your mind to!

  4. I love how raw and honest this post is (and I can’t wait to read more of you! So glad I just found you through Mara).

    You are right – you CAN love your body and take steps to being healthier. We all have areas we can improve health-wise, and nobody learns to love and be healthy overnight. baby steps all the way. :)

    Also – you are not alone in your thoughts. This is a bit personal (hi I’m Lindsey, nice to meet you!) but I completely understand your feeling like your body has betrayed you, and feeling like sometimes you’re not even “pretty enough” (or whatever adjective of the moment) to be seen outside your home. I totally understand. I’ve been through a lot of changes since the start of 2009 and through different birth control pill changes and junk, among other ways of screwing up my body it caused a weight gain of 35 lbs in 9 months (which is obviously frustrating since you’re exercising and eating healthy – heck, I’ve even been a vegan for a little over a month now!). But I have to try to stay so strong in my mind – that’s where the real battlefield is. The battle isn’t at the gym or in the sweets section of the grocery store – it’s in our minds. All that to say I understand. :) If you ever wanna chat, head on over to my neck of the web and I’d be glad to chat with you. :)

    ANYWAY wow, I am so sorry this is so long. I hope I didn’t scare you away. Good night!

    • annenglish says:

      Lindsey,

      I am so sorry that it took so long for me to get back to you! Your comment absolutely did NOT scare me away. In fact, it really really meant so much that you took the time to write it. It’s so nice to “meet” you! I’ve been checking out your blog and it looks fantastic! I’ve seen several recipes I can’t wait to try. I’d love to chat.

      I completely understand that sense of losing control over your body. It sounds like we have striking similarities- My weight gain was caused by steroids to combat a neurological issue. Luckily, i’ve stopped taking it and now my body is readjusting, but it’s INCREDIBLY frustrating when it’s through no fault of your own!

      Ok, now MY comment is getting long! :) Let’s chat soon!

  5. Maggie says:

    Just found your blog from Mara’s. Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck :) It’s a struggle, but you can do it. I agree with what Heather said (smart girl, that one).

  6. Brenda says:

    Thank you. It is nice to know I am not alone in thinking this way. You are going on my RSS feed!

    • annenglish says:

      Brenda- Thank you for your comment- I am so glad that what I said resonated with you. There is such a profound sense of relief (at least for me) in knowing that I am not alone.
      Jenny (colorhungry)

  7. Baby steps! Self-acceptance is a hard thing for sure. This post was amazing though and remember, you can do anything! :)

  8. Pingback: She’s ALIIIIIIVE! « Color Hungry

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s